Thursday, 22 December 2016

Saved? By the Flu...

  

 Christmas is nearly here and it has been bonkers around here.  Last night was the first night in over 3 weeks that my hubby was home at a decent hour.  As much as I was so happy to have him home... I thought I had a few more hours to get what I needed to do done... And I had been procrastinating ALL DAY!  Do you ever have those days?  You know what you need to do, but you seriously lack the motivation...  Well my procrastination bit me in the butt..  My oldest son got the flu on Monday night... I was thinking we had skipped the sharing...

   Until 4:00pm When my middle son started puking on Wednesday night!  UGH!  I will not miss this stage of holding bowls and rubbing backs while they cry as they heave into buckets.  My poor little buddy gets so scared by it.  He kept saying between heaves "mom, I really don't like it."  As pitiful as it was, it was also a little comical as this poor buddy can barely stop heaving, he finds a minute to tell me how he doesn't like it.. Ummm, not sure anybody does!  



   Anyway, about 1/2 an hour after that began, my hubby walked in the house...  Because he has been gone so much there are a few things I haven't been able to fix in our house that require his attention and expertise... Like a plugged toilet, thanks to my youngest!  It has been unusable since about 2 weeks ago and it is the only upstairs toilet.  So imagine my delight when my oldest got the flu and I am running buckets up and down the stairs all night long.  And then imagine it again when the second buddy starts heaving.  MERRY CHRISTMAS! haha... I have a pretty good sense of humour, I know we will laugh about this in years to come... Right?!

   So my hubby walks in, sees the situation and had thankfully come home with the wax seal to be able to fix the toilet after having to take it off.  At this point he has walked around the house and seen the condition of it.  

  "When did he start getting sick?" he asks with a  testing tone.

   "4:00." I respond.

   He has a look on his face, I can see wheels turning "So what did you do today then?" There is a very slight edge to his voice, very slight, nobody else would have ever noticed it.

   What was I supposed to answer with, I hadn't done anything other than help clean my middle sons room which in the time I was doing nothing was now destroyed again.  "Nothing, except clean buddies room which now looks worse than when we started."

   Any more conversation came to an abrupt end as a sheik came from my son as he cried that I needed to come help him again.  It is amazing how fast a mom can move when the thought of a child puking everywhere is a real possibility.

   Hubby went to work removing the toilet, I settled my middle buddy back into bed, and decided to put our youngest in the bath.  There he would at least be contained and wouldn't be anywhere near a puker.  Excellent.  My oldest was voluntarily washing dishes!? I didn't go down to check on him, why risk wrecking a good thing!  No time anyway, I'm being called again!  When my middle guy gets the flu it is a lot of work.  He gets sick over and over and over... 

   Hubby calls, he needs help searching the underside of the toilet for what is blocking it while he holds it tilted.  Re-tuck in middle buddy and run to hubby.  Glove up and get to work fishing, I find something... After about 10 minutes of maneuverings, twisting, pushing and pulling I finally find the right angle to pull it out of the extraordinarily small hole at the bottom of this useless toilet (this is not our first time having issues with this toilet, it is a STUPID design!).... Out pops a Hot Wheels SUV! YAY!!

pretty similar to this one!
   To be safe I shove a plastic knife back up the bottom end in case there is anything else up there.  We hear a *Plunk*.  Open the toilet lid and burst out laughing.  There in the bowl is a hot wheels ship!  How ironic that our toilet is plugged by a small boat.  We are either crazy from the past couple of weeks or that is actually funny!  Ok, all is good...  Middle son is yelling again, quickly throw the gloves off and get there just in time!  Re-Re-tuck son into bed, youngest has pulled the plug and is yelling to be taken out of the bath.  

   Hubby is re-installing the toilet and I am giving our youngest post bath snuggles.  He is so cuddly that this has become a little ritual, wrap him in a towel and he snuggles for a little while.  It is adorable... But middle son is yelling again, plunk cuddler on the floor and quickly run again, barley making it in time.  Whew, I made it!  Re-re-re-tuck him in.  Now to deal with a crying cuddler!  Get him ready for bed only to hear my hubby starting to slam things angrily in the bathroom.  (Remember I have said he is pretty even keeled! Ya, slamming, not a good sign... AT ALL!) I get crying cuddler settled, start to head to the bathroom, get side tracked by puker.  Deal with him, re-re-re-re-tuck him in...

   Hubby emerges from the bathroom, the toilet is still plugged!  Oh My Gosh!!  He tries plunging, Nope... He and my oldest (who has now done dishes and cleaned the table and tidied the foyer) go to the store to get more things.  While they are gone I get our youngest tucked into bed and go to my youngest, who knows how many more times... Ive lost track of the re-re-re-re tucks at this point...  Hubby comes back with treats for me... (what a wonderful man!) and more toilet stuff.  He Re-takes off the toilet and after several minutes of using a fish-thingy out pops a Fisher Price car... Those are much larger than Hot Wheels!! No wonder it still wasn't flushing!!!


   He re-re-installs the toilet and to all of our delight!! ITS WORKING!! YAY!!  My middle son is still very much puking... But my other two kids are sleeping soundly and I now have a toilet upstairs to run to rather than going downstairs all night.  My hubby collapses into bed and is asleep in minutes.  The puking episodes ended by about 1:30 in the morning and my buddy was able to get some good sleep until about 9:00 this morning.  What a glamorous life I lead!  HAHA!

   Now the reason for the title of this post.  My hubby was getting ready for work and casually mentioned the state of the house.  "Your going to get the house clean today right?"  I might have a cheeky streak in me and I just grin back at him.  We have a child sleeping in our room so I know my bottom is safe at the moment.  He grins back with a look in his eye that looks less than favourable for my bottom... "Coming home yesterday to the disaster that I did and knowing you didn't do a thing... Well lets just say that given the circumstances you got lucky, but know, that if I come home tonight and the house looks like this you will not get off again."  He leans over and kisses me goodbye, "I mean it, tonight can be fun or not, it will depend on you."  
This will not be me tonight!!
   I may have a cheeky streak, but I'm not an all out pusher, you can bet your bottom and mine that this house will be clean tonight!  It will sparkle from floor to ceiling... Haha... So that was my little adventure.  

   And on another note!! Tuesday was my ultrasound!  We were finding out if we remain a boy house or if we will be changing our adventure to include some pink...  I didn't know how I felt as I hadn't dared to get my hopes up... and didn't know how I would feel about having a daughter at this point anyway.  Well, the ultrasound tech was able to get a very good shot... And I burst into tears when she told me I am carrying my daughter!!  I am over the moon, still crying whenever I think about it.  We are telling our family on Christmas Day, but I wanted to share here because I am bursting!  


   So Merry Christmas to everyone, bottoms were saved, babies are being born (soon) and all is looking up in this household! (as long as I get off here and get to cleaning that is)!  So in case I don't have time to get on here before, I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and hope that your homes are happy and HEALTHY this holiday season!


Friday, 16 December 2016

Communication

  I never realised how big communication was to me.  I am a talker, ask anyone that knows me even a little.  I enjoy conversation... I don't enjoy going to a movie, because I do not get my social needs met.  I cup of coffee with a good friend, now that is where I am at.




   Since starting TTWD I am overwhelmed by the number of deep and meaningful conversations that we have had.  It is amazing!  We talk about everything and anything, and I am not the one starting all the conversations.  It is like we are dating again and hubby is eager to learn all there is to know about me.  There are new things to explore, discussions to be had, old conversations getting re-hashed.  I have not been this intoxicated with my hubby in years.  I can't stop thinking about him.  It is seriously like dating him all over again.  What an amazing gift!  I have always been told that once this feeling is over that is it, it is gone forever.  Well I am here to tell you that 10+ years into marriage I have this feeling all over again and I couldn't be more thrilled.



  Conversations are leading to so many amazing things!  They lead to bedroom fun, they lead to date nights, they lead to serious issues we have been skirting for years... The possibilities are endless!!

  This past week my hubby had to go away for a night for work.  Because of the weather we have not seen much of each other at all and I decided to be spontaneous.  I was able to arrange a sitter for the kids overnight and told my hubby I could come with him!  He was thrilled, exhausted, but thrilled.  Now being that it was work, this was not a romantic get away... But it was still amazing to spend time with my hubby and just be together... Without any of our beautiful offspring... I love them, but time away on our own is always wonderful.

Seriously people! We were in bed by 9:00!

   On our way home we had to take a ferry home and we were both very tired... Him from working his butt off and me from getting up at 6... UGH! I don't understand you morning bloggers at all!! I wish I was like you, my body yells at me each time I pretend to be!!  But anyway, we were sitting in his work truck, talking... And of course my favourite topic came up... Spankings... He was just curious if I was liking them... Well whats not to like about a GG Spanking!?  Discipline, not so much, but I do like how I feel afterwards... It is kind of intoxicating really...  He got a look on his face... "What?" I ask... He just grinned and said something about how much he likes the submissive me.  AWE!! I love that man so much!

   I don't really know how our conversation turned from spanking and submission... but I guess it is a semi-natural transition... We started fooling around in his truck!! In a ferry!! In broad daylight!! Now we had checked to make sure nobody was in their vehicles... but that doesn't mean the odd person doesn't walk by!  Oh my, but it was fun!! A couple times I had to stop my... ummmm.... extra curricular activity below his belt... to pretend I was sleeping so a walker could go by and be none the wiser... Oh how I laughed and felt like I was getting away with something so bad!  Hahaha! I'm sorry, this is way more detail than I usually give... But it was so much fun and it felt just like being 20 again... Only better... Cause now I'm married to my best friend, we have kids, we are happy and we are just overwhelmed by it all...

We were still under the cover of the ferry, but you get the idea...
Not the usual "secluded" make out spot!!

  So I just thought I would write a quick post... It was kind of all over the place... But it does all kind of relate to communication... Cause that little ferry interlude would not have happened if he had been sleeping for the ferry crossing as he has so many times before... So communication truly is key to a good marriage!

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Just a Thought

   So I had a thought today as I was sitting with my boys doing some schoolwork.  TTWD has been on my mind a lot... For obvious reasons, it is still fairly new for hubby and I.  I like to think and over thing and then think some more when it comes to doing something new... Especially when it is as out-of-the-box as this is.  Why is this working for us?  Why does the lack of consistency make it so frustrating?  Why do I keep pursuing this when it ins't always easy?

  And then a thought floated through my little brain.  I love this lifestyle because it puts an importance back on my Hubby and I.  We are forced to make our marriage a priority again after having kids and them being the focus for the past several years.  When my hubby and I first got married there was none of that difficult first year stuff that I have heard from others.  It was truly bliss.  We loved every minutes and sailed through the first couple years.  We didn't fight, we discussed... It was pretty amazing.  I thought we had this marriage thing down.

 
Fast forward a few years, add a couple kids and we were in a completely different place in our marriage.  Our focus was always on kids.  Kids walking, talking, getting sick.  What school do we put them in, do we do preschool?  Should we have them in sports...  We need to buy clothes, they need bikes... Seriously... It is truly endless.  It's not that we haven't loved having kids, it just made focusing on each other that much more difficult.  I don't think I was very good at it all to be honest.  I became 100% focused on my kids.. And that, I am sure, contributed to the erosion of the relationship I so valued.

ya, this looks about right... This is about where I am at with life some days...

   Now enter TTWD...  If I don't focus some of my energy on what my hubby wants, thinks, says... Where do I end up?  With a seriously toasted bottom.  Just that alone is motivating for me consider what he thinks about what I do.  But if that were the whole thing, it wouldn't work for me.  I need communication.  I need to feel seen.  My hubby and I lead very busy lives.  I home school, my hubby works very hard at 3 different jobs that he has.  Two of them are seasonal.. But it still makes for a busy life.  Plus our boys are in sports and we are actively involved in our church.  Just writing it down, it doesn't look that busy, but just add normal life to that and we feel like we are always going.

We can juggle it all... Right???

   Before TTWD I always felt like my hubby didn't see what I was doing... Like I was the invisible woman who just cleaned up and provided free daycare...  I wasn't bitter, but I was feeling sad.  My best friend was too tired to notice me any more.  I couldn't blame him, he works very hard so that I can be a stay at home mom, and I appreciate that so much.  But sadly, we can't help whether we feel lonely or not.  And that was a big factor, I was lonely.  I am naturally a very social person, but being mom can get a little recluse sometimes as there is so many things that take priority over social engagements.


   Here we are, nearly a year into this lifestyle and my husband notices me.  He enquires about my day and my feelings.  He checks on my mental well being.  He is finally verbalising what he was thinking for the last several years, but it is a conversation with me.  I feel cared for, important.  When spankings happen, there is always conversation after.  We always get to the bottom of the feelings and how I ended up there.  It might start out as a lecture, but it always ends with us feeling like we understand where each other were at in that situation or at least what our thought pattern was.  How can I not love this lifestyle when it is giving me something I have missed so much from our relationship.  This lifestyle is so much deeper than discipline and rules for me.  It is about connection, it is about understanding my hubby and what makes him happy.  Its about him being attentive to my feelings and thoughts and pursuing them when he doesn't understand them



   Could we achieve this without the spankings?  Hum.... Maybe... But we never seemed to actually achieve that.  In some ways it is a little incentive for my hubby... Lets be honest, even if he doesn't actually enjoy doling out the actual discipline... What hubby doesn't like to see his wife nude behind? It seems to be of great appeal to most of the men in this lifestyle...  And I for one, am ok with this setup.



   Maybe this isn't everyones reason, but this was my pondering for the day and I felt like I found my "Why" in this situation.

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Because it Works

   Well, this man of mine is so right.  I am so overwhelmed by the amazing day I had today... And all I did was clean up, go to an appointment and organize...  My kids were actually all on a sleepover last night!! Yay!  So I had plenty of time to do exactly as I pleased without hearing a single "I'm Hungry!"

  I got up on time this morning... Not a second early either... I really am not one of those amazing morning people!  Seriously, I would love to be, and I have tried... But I am not that person.  I can do late nights no problem, I have worked nightshift and not had any issues... But mornings! UGH!! Shoot me please! But I digress.. My morning was great.  I accomplished so many things that have been on my to-do list for months!  Like seriously, I am blown away with everything I accomplished today!  And my hubby is pretty impressed too.



  I am so impressed daily how well this TTWD thing works.  I'm not even motivated by trying to avoid a spanking, it is more about how happy my hubby is when he hears how well my day went.  I love when he is proud of me, not that he wasn't proud of me before...  But I find that he is vocalizing it more now.  He is noticing details that he wouldn't have noticed before.  I feel so important to him.


 


I am loving seeing how he is taking charge.  Yesterday it was time to get out of the house and he sent one of the kids to tell me he was in the car and wanted to leave in 5 minutes.  I hustled and was ready to go in about 7 minutes.  He wasn't fussy about the extra 2 minutes because it was more of "about 5 minutes"... He just didn't want to be leaving late... again... Because what would have happened in the past is that he would have been in the car with the kids waiting.. and I would have just gotten finished when I did...  Because he would have felt bad rushing me, and I wouldn't have known that they had gone to the car...  So now that he feels like the has the authority to say "Hey, we are leaving in X number of minutes." we are getting along so much better.

   This is such a unique lifestyle choice, one that I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed I would be living just a few short years ago.  But I am so glad that I did... Most of the time... Usually bent over a bed having my behind warmed up by an evil, stingy spatula I am wondering about my better judgment... haha... But that is always short lived...

   I am excited about tomorrow and seeing how it goes with getting up on time and my check list of items to be done...  Although..  There is a small issue of forgetting the van unlocked today!!  I haven't done that in 7 months!! Not since my big spanking... I was getting something out of my car and it was pretty heavy.  I closed my front door with my car keys in my hand...  But then didn't give my car a second thought.. :(  So I am sure when hubby has a minute we will have an appointment over the bed... I don't anticipate it being that bad though...  Its once in 7 months, he is a reasonable man :)  haha, oh the joys of this lifestyle.

  Anyway, just a quick post today to say how much I am loving my man and our life decisions.

Monday, 12 December 2016

Confessions and Reflections

wooden spatula technically, but you get the point.

  Well, here I am again, I actually didn't expect to be writing another spanking post quite so soon.  But I guess with how busy and stressful it has been around here I really should have seen this one coming.  And I guess in a way, I did.

   It's been snowing a lot around here.  Some years we don't get any snow at all, while others it just dumps!  Well when it snows, it makes my husbands job significantly busier and as a result he works a ton of overtime.  I am sort of used to it, but this week has been especially busy.  My kids have sports that they go to, I had appointments...

  I was doing good until Thursday...  Thursday I hit my threshold and before leaving for work that morning my hubby had actually had a quick little chat about how I needed to stay on top of my responsibilities around the house or I was going to get overwhelmed.  It is less about how he feels the house is looking and more that he knows, if my counters are cluttered and my floor is sticky I turn into a crazy woman.

  Well, what did I do instead?  Very little.  I got what needed to be done, done.  But nothing extra at all.  End results.  One very overwhelmed Leigh.

   Hubby knew he would be working late.  He was able to come home for literally 5 minutes to pick something up and then had to head back out for a late night.  That means bedtime routine was now on my plate.  That is usually fine, I know what this time of year can be like, so I mentally prepare for that.  I didn't.  Now I was overwhelmed and spent.

   I survived bedtime but it was certainly the last of my sanity.  The kids were overtired from playing in the snow and anyone with kids knows, overtired just makes everything a bit more complicated.  Friday went much the same as Thursday, but because I had only done the minimum on Thursday I was more overwhelmed by Friday and I took care of literally just what needs to get done to keep kids going.  Meals, Naps, Diapers... The kids would think everything was fine... But dishes, laundry, anything else that should be getting done to keep my sanity didn't happen.  By the time bedtime came I was a mess... And hubby needed to work late again.  He called to see how I was doing and asked me the usual questions....

"How was your day?  Did you get some stuff done today like you needed to?  Do you feel like you did your best and were productive?"

Ugh!  The last question was phrased in such a way that there is not skirting the issue.  I know I hadn't tried my best.  My hubby would be fine if our house looked like a bomb went off as long as I had done my best that day.  And I knew the answer to that question was going to solicit a conversation I didn't want to have.  I was in a bad mood and tired.  Alas, I am not going to directly lie to the man...

"Yes, I got some things done, No I do not feel like I did my best."  The common sense part of my brain was finally kicking in and telling off the overwhelmed ostrich side of my personality.  Ugh!  Where was my common sense 2 days ago when I needed it... Before the downhill spiral.

I really gotta kick that ostrich mentality!!


I could hear the firm edge come in his voice, "Okay, well I will be late again tonight, so we can't talk tonight, but we will deal with this tomorrow afternoon sometime when we have a few minutes."

And there were the words... "we will deal with this..." that does not sound favourable toward my bottom...  But what's a girl to say?  I am an adult, and I do know how to kick my butt into gear when I choose to... And I didn't choose wisely...  Lump in throat... feeling the need to hide my bottom... Haha, why did I choose this lifestyle again??



  By Saturday I needed to pull myself together because I knew my hubby was going to need his wife to let him sleep a bit.... He had pulled nearly an all nighter and needed a bit of sleep before heading back out to work.  Of course there were appointments and what-not scheduled weeks ago... I had gotten up at a decent hour which always helps my mental state so that was good.  But man, I was tired.  I don't sleep as well when my man is working late, I'm always listening for when he comes home.  Plus, there was the weight of my bottoms demise in the afternoon.  I don't know about you, but waiting just kills me!  I would far rather have a punishment done right away then have to wait for it.. I guess that is a pretty normal emotion... But, there was really no way around it.

   Finally at 3:00 I thought we were going to be able to get it over with... Nope... Hubby got called back into work for a few hours!  UGH!! That was it, I was so spent.  My kids were fighting, my house is a mess... And then my kids got into a bunch of stuff that they shouldn't have and I flipped my lid.  Finally, I made it to bedtime.  My kids were actually pretty easy to get to sleep... No sooner were they asleep and my hubby walks in the door.

   I was upstairs and I heard my hubby walk into the kitchen and gasp at the state of it.  Ya, it was pretty bad.  Because of the mess the kids had made it was a sight to be seen.  Up he came to the bedroom.  He had a testing look on his face.

  "So, I know you have had a pretty rough week, but we still have some unfinished business to deal with.  Lets get that over with before we talk about anything else."

   There it is.  I know what he wants me to do, so I walk over to his side of the bed, take a deep breath, remove my jeans and bend over the bed.  I can hear him getting the awful spatula.  Ugh, seriously, that thing may not have much weight behind it, but it carries one heck of a sting.  I'm pretty sure my hubby was nice to me for the first 3 or 4 swats, but then there wasn't much mercy.  I was seriously up on my toes holding onto my pillow willing it to make the stinging stop.  My pillow did not help at all, nasty pillow!  I guess the good part was I could feel the stress from this crazy week finally melting away...  But he was still going when I was good and ready for him to stop.  I let out a few involuntary "yipes".  Finally the swats stopped raining down, I waited for him to tell me it was over.

Picture this over a bed, but ya, that was basically me.  I don't think I was quite as graceful as her though!


   "Okay, you can stand up now."

   I stood up and looked at him, he had a look... I was blown away by the words that came out of his mouth next "okay, go stand in the corner." UUUMM! WHAT?!  I mean, we had discussed corner time before.  Yes, I had given him permission to use it, but he didn't think he would at the time.  He said he thought it wasn't his style.  Well guess who's changing redefining his style.  Well I was so shocked I couldn't even engage my brain enough to find a corner I finally just squeaked out "which corner", he directed, I walked.



   So there I was, in a corner, with a very hot, stinging bottom.  Well isn't this just great.  People talk about the great reflections they have in "Corner Time"... Ummm.. It gets boring REALLY quick!!  How much reflection can one person have? Really?! Please, am I alone here?  Are you truly able to reflect in that awkward position??

   Several hours minutes later (seriously it felt like forever!) he called me back over to him.  Over I walked, pretty sure my face was a little red from the shock of the situation.  That's when the lecture started.  I was surprised when he hadn't said anything before or during the spanking.  I guess he had intended to punctuate "corner time" with lecture time.  Oh yay!  His lecture was actually very thoughtful and caring.  He asked me how my week had gone and what choices I could have made to have avoided the catastrophe that was my week's end.  He asked if I had been getting up when I was supposed to... No, I hadn't, and I know that sets me up for failure.  He looked a little surprised and asked why I hadn't been getting up on time.  Now ladies, don't answer with "I don't know"!  If your man is anything like mine, he won't like it.  The look on his face, while it is a bit comical now, was not Saturday night!

  His eyes narrowed a little and he said "Okay, now that answer has put me in a bit of a position here..." He looked a bit conflicted and thoughtful "ya" he answered himself "we are going to go with more corner time, head on back." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  Off I go, Great! more reflection time.  But then, I don't know is kind of a stupid answer isn't it.  I know why I'm not getting up, I'm not a morning person, I hate mornings... And that was all I needed to say.  At least it is honest, I don't know was the cop-out answer.  Ugh.  Well there I stood.  But I was proud of myself the that 2 minute reflection.  Yay! A win for Leigh! tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, hum.... I wonder where that ding in the wall came from... It's a bit chilly in here... What is that spot on the carpet... Finally hubby calls me back over... He repeats the question and I respond like a normal, functioning adult with my answer that I received while reflecting!  Excellent, that was the answer he was looking for...  Lecture continues...

   "Ya, I'm not a morning person either Leigh, nor am I a work all night and function the next day person... But we all have responsibilities..."  Hum.... Yes, point taken.

   Overall it was a good conversation, I talked about some things that I have found very challenging lately with staying home with kids and family not living close.  He had some good suggestions for helping me stay in a good frame of mine... And then I finally felt the lump in my throat move over altogether and the tears came.  It was so sudden and unexpected.  I don't usually cry during discipline, but it all finally came together and hit home.  My sweet, gentle man gathered me up in his arms and held me.  He said he had been waiting for that, he knew it was in there and needed to come out.  He knows how stubbornly I hold onto control and he said that this wasn't ending until I had finally let it all out.



  I know he knows me well, but I was surprised to hear him say that.  I don't think I even knew that I needed to cry.  I mean a part of me wanted to, but I had no idea how much better I was going to feel after.  It was all just gone, melted, done!

  "There's my good girl."  And the affirmations continued, I could feel my sanity restoring.  I can make it through another week.  I love my man, I love this life.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

My First Real Spanking

   There have been spankings.  There have been reminders.  But there has only been one serious spanking so far.  We are fairly new to this lifestyle and I am not one to push really.  I like boundaries... Kind of... At least, consequences have always been a good deterrent for me.  That is, in part, why I think this lifestyle is good for hubby and I.  We have agreed on rules and boundaries and for the most part, the thought of a serious discipline spanking keeps me in check.  That's not to say I haven't had spankings for minor infractions, but nothing like my first real spanking.

   It was May and we had just gotten a new vehicle!  I was thrilled because now the kids wouldn't be all in one row "not touching" each other!! Ugh!  Why do all kids know how to bug each other by playing the "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you..." and hovering a finger an inch away?!  Our previous vehicle was a lemon from the day we bought it.  There was always something going wrong... One of the minor but most annoying issues was that the doors wouldn't lock, you had to manually lock them.  Well I'm sorry, when your carrying kids, groceries, clothing, diaper bags... your not going to manually lock every door... Especially on a vehicle you really wish would get stolen anyway!  I would push the lock button on the key fob, that would at least set the alarm, but even then, I would forget all the time... Because I just DIDN'T CARE!



   But all that was about to change!  We had a vehicle that was not a lemon.  We have payments on this vehicle.  We value this vehicle.  So, there is a new rule.  Leigh must ALWAYS lock her vehicle, no exception.  Failure to do so WILL end in a spanking.  Okay, fair enough, that should be simple enough, all I have to do is push the button right.  I think I was about 2 weeks in and low and behold, I forgot to lock the door... Or so I am told, I think one of the kids went back into the vehicle and didn't lock it behind them... But it doesn't matter, I know I am responsible to make sure it is locked.

   It was easy for me to submit to my spanking because it is an obvious infraction.  There wasn't much to it, he told me to assume my position over the bed, bottom bared... He used his favourite implement at that time, a flat wooden spatula...



For the size of that thing it is deceivingly stingy!  It wasn't really that intense, I mean it hurt, but I wouldn't say it was shocking.

  It was over and I was left actually a little frustrated.  Every spanking I had received was, in my mind, wimpy.  Now I have read a lot of blogs, so I have read how it can take some men longer than others to really find their stride.  But I wasn't sure my hubby had it in him.  How was this dynamic going to work if he couldn't actually spank me.  Its not that I didn't feel bad that I had left the door unlocked, I did... I was just beginning to wonder if this was going to be everything I had hoped it would be...  So...

  I did something that I shouldn't have done.  I left the van door unlocked the following day... On purpose.  Well, mostly on purpose.  I had forgotten to lock it, went and checked it cause I had a feeling I had forgotten, saw it was unlocked and then had a bratting moment and left it that way.

  I went inside to clean up and start dinner.  What was my hubby going to do when he saw the door unlocked 2 days in a row?  As I chopped up veggies my conscience was getting the better of me, this was not only a really bad attitude, it was dishonest.  I should really just have a conversation with him and tell him how I was feeling.  Okay, I came to my senses! Whew! And he wasn't home yet, there is time to lock the door...

  Just then the doorbell went, it was my sister, she popped over for a visit...  I Completely forgot about the van, honestly, thought vanished... My hubby came home to my sister and I playing with bullet journals at our kitchen table.  I chirped a hello as I was having a great time with my sister and didn't even notice the look on my hubby's face.  He said hello to my sister and then looked at me and just said "your van is unlocked."  My stomach sank.  I hadn't re-locked it.  My sister looked at me and giggled.

  "you alright there?  You look like someone just told you it was stolen."

  My sister doesn't know anything about our dynamic so I just quickly switched gears and told her it was a really big pet peeve of my hubby's I would be hearing about this later.  She just kind of laughed it off and we continued with our little visit.

  My sister finally left and I could feel the pit in my stomach tighten.  Not because my hubby had found the van unlocked, but because I couldn't let him think I had forgotten... I had to tell him the truth.  Boy was I kicking myself for my brat attitude earlier!

   My hubby called me into the living room.  I took a deep breath and went to him.  He asked me what my rule with my new van was and I repeated the rule.

   "Always lock the van and double check that it is locked."

   He told me I was going to get another spanking for this and because it was 2 days in a row it obviously needed to be more serious than yesterdays.

  "ummm, I need to talk to you first." I was able to get out over the lump in my throat.  He waited.  I didn't know where to begin... so I just blurted it all out.

  "Well ok, so the spankings, ya they hurt.  But I have been wondering if you will actually be able push me past my pain tolerance?  I have a very high threshold for pain, and I know you are very gentle, do you have it in you to actually go beyond a little spanking to actual discipline?"

   He told me he didn't know what this conversation had to do with the situation at hand...

   So I just said "I left it unlocked on purpose!"

   Oh I wanted to melt into the floor.  If you had seen the look on his face.  It transitioned so fast.  It went from all business, to a flash of shock, anger, and disbelief.  I stood in the middle of our living room getting more and more uncomfortable by the second.

   "So you are telling me that after being spanked for leaving your van unlocked yesterday, you deliberately left it unlocked today?  Is this a game to you?"

  Oh I was sick "No, it isn't a game.  I changed my mind and was going to go and lock it, but then my sister showed up and I genuinely forgot then..." I wanted to start crying, but I couldn't, the lump in my throat was keeping the tears at bay.

   "you do realise that this isn't about the van being unlocked anymore.  This is a question of honesty, something I have never had to question with you.  You deliberately lied to me and disrespected me in doing so."

   Yep, if I could have willed the floor to swallow me up I would have.  I felt about 1 inch tall.

   "Take off your pants and kneel in front of the ottoman."

This is pretty close to what my ottoman looks like...


   I was stunned, we had always spanked in our bedroom... that was just where we do it...  In the living room I felt so exposed, I mean the blinds were closed, but it's an older house, I know that the walls aren't that sound proof.  I had enough sense not to argue, but so far, I was seriously disliking my past self that wanted to have a brat attitude a few hours before...  I did as I was told and knelt in front of the ottoman.
   "Now bend over it." It was cold.  Leather is not like bending over your warm bed.  He closed our living room door to the hallway, no noise would disturb our kids. (although, they sleep like the dead... so it probably wouldn't have anyway.)  Then I heard him doing something behind me and I realised he was taking his work belt off.



   My heart started pounding, he had never used a belt before.  I balled my hands into fists and closed my eyes, I had a feeling this was going to be awful.  I've read about warm ups... ya... there was no warm up!  A few seconds after hearing his belt come off I felt the first swat land with some seriously searing pain.  I gasped in a breath, but I didn't move.  The strokes came increasingly fast and hard.  I lost count somewhere after 17 because the pain was getting overwhelming.  By this time I was jolting forward with each stroke that landed.  And then there was a pause.  I didn't dare move.  I never assume a spanking is over, I lay there until I am told I can get up.  About a minute passed and he told me to lay face down on the carpet.  Uuuumm... that was new... but given the condition of my behind, I was in no position to question.  I did as I was told. I was there for what felt like forever.  He told me later it was about 15 minutes.  He wanted to see how my behind was holding up to this.  He tells me I was flaming red and I believe him.  After 15 minutes he told me to go back over the ottoman.



 I was very surprised.  That had already been way more than he had ever done and now he was going to do more... On an already tender bottom... I truly didn't know that he had this in him or if I had any more in me.  As I lay over the ottoman waiting, he lectured.  He talked about trust and integrity and respect.  All of which I had violated.  I couldn't argue, I agreed fully.  I felt awful, how could I turn something that we took so seriously into a game?  The strokes started falling again, just as hard as before, but this time more deliberate.  I guess he was working on his aim.  He made sure to get every square inch of space on my bottom, sit spot and top of my thighs.  I was trying to take it well, but it hurt so bad.  I didn't kick or try to get up, but you had better believe I lurched with each stroke and was not stoic at all, I didn't beg him to stop, I didn't think it would do any good.  Each stroke drew and involuntary yelp from me.  His words echoed in my head, I had betrayed his trust, I had disrespected him and I had compromised my own integrity.  I felt bad before the spanking started and the lecture hit home.  The strokes finally stopped falling.  I laid there in silence, bottom stinging, throbbing, burning.  He told me to get up and face him, he pushed my chin up cause I couldn't look him in the eye.  He had a very serious look on his face and he asked,
  "Did that feel like a game?"

  "No, it didn't."

   He wrapped his arms around me and I melted into his chest, I don't know why I didn't cry, I felt like crying... But I couldn't.  I apologised and told him that would never happen again.  I told him I was truly sorry before he had even spanked me.  He kissed me, forgave me and sent me to bed.  Even though it was hard to take and hard to face the fact that I had betrayed his trust in such a selfish way, I was amazed at how the spanking actually made the guilt go away.  I had confessed, he had disciplined and now it was over.  I was able to sleep in peace, and sleep I did!

   There have been other spankings since, and I will blog about those later.. But this was my first real spanking... and first serious spanking... I am not looking to repeat this one any time soon.  This one had me sitting carefully for a few days, that is for sure!  Now I wouldn't say that I haven't done anything to deserve one like this one again, but thankfully I haven't gotten one like this one since.  And I can say with confidence, I won't be leaving my car unlocked on purpose ever again!

   This one is a lot harder to publish, as much as my previous posts have been personal... This one is vulnerable... And as you read in my first 2, I am not comfortable with vulnerable.  But I wanted to write a blog that was raw and honest.  One that showed this dynamic in its infant stages... So this is it.  This is where it began and I am looking forward to sharing my journey with you and I hope you see the beauty in this lifestyle.

Saturday, 10 December 2016

What is The Sweetest Gift?

   I am cherished.  My husband is an amazing man who plucked me out of my messy little life and spoke life into dead areas of my heart.  "Leigh, you are beautiful." "Leigh, you are so smart." "Leigh, you are an amazing woman." "Leigh, you can do anything you put your mind to."  
  Over and over he spoke affirmations into me... Until one day, I actually believed them.  There were so many parts of my heart that had been ripped out by life.  Ripped out by those who should have protected me.  My husband (boyfriend at the time) saw through the pain and helped to bring forward the woman he saw hiding inside.  Up until him I was kind of like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride... 



I ate my eggs like whoever I was with... Except my identity would just change entirely.  My amazing man saw through the facade.  

   We were listening to music one day in the car, he asked what kind of music I liked.  
"oh, well, what song is this we are listening to?  I like music like this."  

He changed the station immediately.  "What about this station?" 

I asked if he listened to this station... He wouldn't answer.  He pulled over and turned down the music.  He looked me in the eyes and told me that we were going to do something new, I would pick the music from now on.  He was going to ask me if I liked a song and I would have to give him a good reason why I liked or didn't like that song.  I know this sounds a little odd.  But he was helping me to form my identity.  I had always just been what everyone else wanted me to be.  Don't get me wrong, I was in control, I was strong, but I had no idea who I was.  Who would have thought music would help me to find who I was.  For the record, I enjoy country, A Capella, some rap, one heavy metal song... And a whole lot of other music.  I decided I had rather eclectic taste.  I like what I like and I am not tied down to a particular genre!

   I'm sure your wondering what on earth all of this could have to do with the lifestyle that I am supposed to be blogging about.  They are small clues that I am now recognising as little signs that my hubby has been gently leading me for years.  He is so gentle, never once has he pushed.  Never once did he demand his rightful position as Head of our Home.  He waited, patiently, for me to be ready to give it to him.

   A year after discovering TTWD my husband and I were lying in bed.  I was so stressed and overwhelmed.  You see over the years, I have been in charge.  I pay the bills, I look after the kids, I clean the house, I make the social plans, I schedule the appointments...  You get the picture...  It was never that my husband wouldn't do those things, but I am a Strong, Independent woman, I can do anything.  

   My husband is super even keeled.  His emotions are steady.  It's not that he does not feel deeply, but he is not swayed by his emotions.  I, on the other hand, have to work very hard to not be controlled by emotion.  It is something I do not prefer about myself, but it is who I am.  I am emotional.  So there we were in bed and I was a hysterical mess.  Life felt like it was caving in on me.  Since having kids being in control got so much harder, but I didn't know how to ask for help.  It was not something I had ever done.  I was crying, overwhelmed and just plain ready to give up.

   My husband held me and let me have my fit.  I was getting frustrated because he wasn't saying anything... But then he said something that would forever change our life. 

 "Leigh, have you thought any more about that Domestic Discipline that we talked about last summer?"  

   WHAT?!  Well of course I had, but I certainly hadn't shared my findings with him.  I hadn't told him how much I longed for him to take charge, how tired I was of being in control, how I didn't even think that it was right for me to be in control.  Where did this come from, it had been a year and never once had he breathed even a hint of a thought about DD?  



   I was immediately uncomfortable, like I was in a room full of strangers naked, and there was no way out... What was this feeling I kept having when I thought about this lifestyle??  In spite of all my faults, I am very truthful, if you ask me a pointed question, I will give you an honest answer, even if it is painful for me to do so.   I told him I had and that I had been researching it for the past year and reading everything I could lay my eyes on.  So had he.  It had taken him this long to be able to wrap his mind around the thought of spanking his wife for real and not seeing it as unacceptable.  He asked me if I thought this dynamic was something I wanted.  Everything inside me wanted to scream, 

   "YES!  I don't want to control any more, I can't, I'm messing it all up!".  Instead I was silent, a deer in the headlights.  He told me he would never push.  This lifestyle had to be my choice.  I had to want this.  I had to ask for this, but if this was something that I thought I wanted then all I had to do was ask.




   Why was I so scared?  I trust my hubby with everything I have.  I know he loves me and would never try to hurt me.  

   I knew that a part of me had to change.  The walls that I had built from years of pain in my youth would have to come down.  I would for the first time in my life be accountable to someone.  There would be expectations of me, because this man knew what I was capable of.  He believed in me.  
   
   But did he believe in me more than I believed in myself?  We hear that expression all the time.  Believe in yourself.  What does that even mean?  I had been told growing up that I was not worth listening to because I was a child.  When I became a teen I was informed that teens don't have brains, just hormones.  When I got married I was told that wives were nothing more than nagging drones.  (none of this was my husband... it was the tyranny I grew up under... Not my mom, she is an amazing woman who is now happily married to an amazing man who cherishes her)  Yes, I was a strong woman, and I proved myself over and over and over, but did I believe in myself?  If I let the walls down I would be exposed.  The facade would be up.  I am not a strong, independent woman, I am just a woman trying desperately to be good enough.

   I couldn't answer, and because he will never push me, we said good night, I rolled over and we went to bed.  He fell asleep quickly, as he usually does and I cried myself to sleep.  I wanted to let go, but I was terrified of what was underneath.  Was I good enough without my defences, without the identity that I had hidden behind for so many years?

   He is a patient man... So another year passed... I grew more and more unhappy with how our life was going.  I was feeling more and more stretched thin every day.  We were fighting all the time.  I was screaming, he even yelled a few times.  That fuelled my fire and I would scream louder.  It was getting ugly.  Why were we doing this if we were so unhappy.  I thought about leaving.  But I love him.  He is good to me.  I am the one who is awful and letting everything fall apart.



   That's it, enough!  No more was I going to allow fear to control what I thought could be an end to this crazy cycle we were on.  He came home late from work one night, the kids were already in bed and I told him we needed to talk.  I told him that I needed to apologise, I had spent our entire marriage holding a position that was never mine.  I had always been in charge and I made it clear in the beginning that I would not allow him to have that position and that I was very wrong to have done that.  I was much more eloquent than that.  I cried as I told him that I needed his help, that I didn't want to do this alone any more and that I should never have tried anyway.  I told him that when I said my wedding vows I did not understand what I was signing up for and that I had been wrong to assume the role of head, but I wanted to remedy that now.  It was time for me to take a step down and allow him to be the head of our home as was rightfully his anyway.  I was ready to submit to his authority.

   He looked at me thoughtfully, I couldn't look him in the eyes.  I was scared, I had shown him many sides of myself, but vulnerable was never one of them.  I felt naked.  He told me to look at him, slowly I looked up, my face red and burning from the many tears that would not stop flowing.  He told me that if we started down this path we would not turn back.  If I gave him permission to be the head of our home he would not play cat and mouse.  If this was truly what I chose, then he would take the lead and we would not go back to where we were before.  I looked down again, it was so intense, the stare in his eyes, the firmness in his voice, he was still gentle, but there was an edge to his voice that I had never heard before.  He cupped my chin and gently pushed my face back up so I had to look at him.  

   "Is this truly what you want?"



   More than ever I knew that this is exactly what I wanted.  Seeing the strength in his eyes as he spoke with such authority.  There was no second guessing on his part.  He had been waiting to take up his position.  

   I said yes.

   We had a long conversation about how this would look.  He asked for my consent when it came to discipline, my stomach was all a flutter with all of this.  What was I doing?  But it felt right.  It felt like for the first time in a long time we were on the right track.  He said he needed to know that my consent was sincere.  Now I wish I could remember what I said, it was so eloquent that it shocked even me.  But whatever it was that I said, I saw tears come to my husbands eyes and he pushed me over on the couch and kissed me like we hadn't kissed in years, if we had ever kissed like that at all.  There was so much emotion in the room, it was electric and kissing led to other wonderful things and it was a beautiful beginning to our new journey.  



  What was my sweetest gift?  Offering my husband my submission for the first time in 9 years of marriage, and I'm so glad I did.

Friday, 9 December 2016

The Seed was Planted

   Well never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be blogging, let along blogging on the this particular topic.  Submission, TTWD, DD... Any of it...  I came across this lifestyle quite by accident about 3 years ago.  At the time I had been married for 7 years.  We were happy, there were issues as there are in any marriage, but I have married the man of my dreams.  We are so far from perfect, but I was never looking for perfect.  I was never looking for tall, dark and handsome Mr. Right.  I was looking to marry my best friend, and that is exactly what I did!  We have known each other since we were in elementary school.  No it wasn't love from childhood, he was annoying and younger than me.  But time has a funny way of changing perspectives and previous judgements.  I am very blessed to be married to a man who loves me and is truly my best friend.

   But, I digress... I happened upon this lifestyle quite by accident!  It took me until into my 20's to admit to myself that I found spankings intriguing... It was something I had fought against for years... I remember being a child and there would be a spanking scene and I would play that over and over in my head.  I really thought there was something wrong with me... And if I'm honest I still don't understand it, I was spanked a child, but I certainly didn't find those intriguing... Effective, but defiantly something that I avoided at all costs.  (just to clarify, I was not beaten, I was not abused... It was always a very calm and controlled action... to the point that I knew that if I was getting a spanking it was going to be 3 smacks and I was done... So no trauma here! Just clarifying.)  But for some reason on tv, movies, in books... It was so intriguing, I would go to bed at night and play the scenes over and over in my head..  But never did I ever tell anyone how I felt about it.  By my teen years it was becoming something that I found erotic.  Not having a clue that anyone else felt this way, I did everything I could to bury that desire!  Deep!  Why would I want to be spanked?!  I didn't even allow myself to fantasied about it, I felt that somehow that made me a freak!

  Fast forward, I'm married, and from time to time my hubby will smack my butt while we are in the kitchen... That knot would form in my stomach and I wanted him to take it further... But I never said anything... There might be a smack during some heated bedroom fun, there was that knot again!  But I still kept silent.  Would he think I was weird?  Would he think I was a freak?  I felt like a freak, so why wouldn't he think I was one?

   7 years into marriage, my husband and I were away visiting some friends and he had to go away with our friend's hubby for a job for a few days.  I missed him terribly.  It was one of those nights where if he was coming home I would have jumped him if I could...  I wish I could remember how the YouTube rabbit trail started... But I ended up at some spanking videos... And I couldn't help myself, I was glued!  That led to spanking blogs, yes, I found the whole thing very hot!  But how could I ever tell my husband that his very conservative wife wanted him to spank her... And did I want that?!  Oh my gosh, yes, yes I did!  But, it didn't matter, I was far too reserved and conservative to ever think of confessing such an awful thing.  None of my friends ever breathed a thought about this... and this was long before any 50 Shades of Grey was a thing.  Then I found something so strange!!  This thing called Domestic Discipline?! What on earth was that?!?!  I clicked on the link...  And my world was changed forever.  No, I didn't think I would ever be on that trail.  It was the strangest thing I had ever read.  Grown women ask their husbands to spank them? For real? As discipline? WHAT!  My senses were overwhelmed, I didn't know if I was horrified, turned on, intrigued... I shut down my computer that day and didn't give it another thought...  At least not a serious thought... But I was curious...

  I couldn't help myself, if I was a cat, I would be dead, cause curiosity always gets the better of me!


  I started googling DD, Domestic Discipline, I found the term TTWD and googled that.  I was obsessed!  Why did wives put themselves in this position of submission?  I was not a naturally submissive personality, in fact, I wore the pants in this marriage and I had no problem telling anyone that.  Why was I finding myself drawn to this lifestyle?  It went against everything I had ever been taught or seen modelled.  Although, truth be told, I didn't want what I had seen modelled, it didn't work and I knew it... But I was living what I had seen modelled and although my hubby and I loved each other and were best friends, there was friction.  When we would fight it was LOUD... And the loud factor was always me.  I became the yeller that I swore I would never be.  Did I like being in charge? Did I like bossing my hubby around and telling him what he could and couldn't do?  Why was I like this?  Was I scared of losing my identity if I wasn't the Alpha?

   My hubby came back and it was time to go home the next day, we had about a 15 hour drive home. I love road trips because there is so much time to talk, little did I know what would transpire!  I am NOT a techy, AT ALL!  Keep that in mind. :)  We are about an hour into our trip and my hubby just casually says, "So, your into spanking huh?"


 Que stunned look now!  

I must have had a pretty hilarious look on my face because he was laughing pretty hard at me.  I stuttered and stammered and just stared blankly at him.  He informed me that because I had been on YouTube on my phone and we share a login that he had all these spanking videos pop up in his history... Well since he didn't look them up, the obvious conclusion was that I had.  Well, there was no talking my way out of this one.  I guess it was time to be honest... I looked down at my hands, totally embarrassed and having no idea what he would think of me... I timidly admitted that I found it kinda sexy and appealing... quickly following up with, I don't really know why, I've tried to make it go away and it just doesn't...  He stopped me in the middle of my justification/apology for being this way... and said, "Hey, I think its pretty hot!  I wouldn't mind spanking your a$$ from time to time, you have a very nice one!"  What?! He was ok with this?! He didn't think I was weird?!

   Here I was getting a little hot and bothered in our car on our bazillion hour drive home and then he drops another bomb... "And what is that Domestic Discipline thing all about? are you into that too?"  Holy CRAP! I was not ready to go there with him, I hadn't even wrapped my head around it yet... I hadn't decided if I thought those women were masochists, mental patients or what yet. (no offence, obviously from the blog I am writing you know where I ended up)  Again, stuttering and stammering I said something about No, that was just all a bit odd... Who would live like that, it was just something that I stumbled into looking for spanking information...  But that was all a bit much for me...

   And that was all that was said of TTWD for well over a year.  But this did begin my journey into Good Girl Spankings :) and oh boy, those were everything I had hoped they would be!  I still don't understand how something that hurts can feel so good, but I have come to a place where I just don't care.  It has made our bedroom life that much more fun and I enjoy every second!  So this is where our journey to TTWD began, without it!  haha.  But it was still muling around in my little brain... But that is another post... Because this one is getting a little long.

  Thanks for reading :)  I hope that you enjoyed it.  
Until next time,
Leigh