Thursday, 5 January 2017

I'm Alive!!

  Wow!  Well I thought when I wrote my blog post we were past the worst of it... Boy was I wrong!  That flu cycled through every one of us.  I got it Christmas Eve, hubby had it Christmas day... Needless to say all family Christmas's got cancelled for us.  Thankfully my hubby seems to heal up pretty fast and he is well on the mend.  I, on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to get a sinus infection next... And that landed me in bed 2 days after Christmas sick as a dog, fever making me loopy and 3 children home alone.  My hubby's job is still super busy so I have only seen him a couple of hours collectively since the beginning of December.

   So all of this home time and wreaked havoc on my mental state.  I am doing ok with hubby being gone for the most part.  You just have to reset your brain for winter... But every now and again it all just adds up.  I haven't been out socially since long before Christmas, I haven't had people over because of the flu and sinus infection.  All of this makes for a rather overwhelmed and slightly depressed Leigh... And what do I do when I'm depressed.  Well go into ostrich state of course!  Ugh!  It is a terrible habit and I am working on it, but it doesn't change in a day.

   Last night my hubby came home with take out for dinner, I thought that was really sweet since he knows how my day was going.  He really is super thoughtful and he knows he can't be here for me for the next little bit as we are about to get slammed with some more bad weather, so he helps when he has any kind of opportunity.  When he got home though, he came home to a wife in tears, hormonal and just spent.  Before TTWD that would have been me sulking for the rest of the night, because nobody understands how hard it is... blah, blah, blah... Life is tough...

   So last night, my hubby sat next to me and asked me what was up, I stared up at him having no idea what to even say... What was wrong, only everything... I'm exhausted, still fighting to not have a sinus headache everyday, kids didn't listen to a word I said all day, they destroyed my folded laundry, fought with each other... the list was endless...  All I got out was something lame about being overwhelmed and missing him.  He wrapped me up in his big arms and told me how much he loved me and that he missed me too... Nothing earth shattering, but it was enough.  Then he pulled money out of his wallet and told me to go shopping tomorrow.  The thought of going out is a lot overwhelming with all the kids, but it's less overwhelming now that I don't think I will blow the budget.  So that feels nice, cause he knows I have been wanting to go and get the kids some new clothes.

   Anyway, we headed downstairs, ate a quick dinner (that I didn't have to cook, which always makes it so much nicer!) And then my hubby had to head out again.  He was home maybe 45 minutes, but I know this will benefit us in the long run, I just have to keep my focus right.  I thought that was the end of any discussions.  I went to bed that night, but I am having a hard time sleeping with him never home.  I'm just used to him being there, so to be sleeping alone nearly every night, it feels weird.

 He got home about 12:30, which is an early night compared to what most of them have been.  He snuggled up in bed, it was so nice to have him home.  But then he got his "tone".

  "So, your going to have a better day tomorrow right?  I know life is overwhelming, I am overwhelmed, I haven't had a full nights sleep in a month, I don't get to see you or the boys, it is just as much a sacrifice on my part, it's different than what you have to do, but it is still difficult."

   There was nothing profound in what he said, but there is such heightened emotion at the moment that I started to cry.  He was still cuddling with me and he felt the need to add, "You know for your mental well-being you need to be doing something and being productive.  So tomorrow you need to make yourself get at life, and if your not going to choose to do that, then I guess we will be discovering what a hard spanking with our new paddle feels like."  Well that part of TTWD has been very hit and miss as he hasn't been home so that was a little shocking to hear...  For Christmas he bought this bath sponge thing that he took the sponge off of.  It made quite the nice little paddle... For a GG Spanking.  He asked me what I thought of it, (the day we tried it out for a GG) and I told him I was very glad it was a good girl spanking cause that thing carried some weight behind it.  Guess he was paying attention.  Seriously, it would take little to no effort what-so-ever to make that sucker just hated in this household.

   So, here I am with a choice today, force my head space to come into alignment and get my ass in gear today... or expect my ass to be rather rosy tonight.  It's a rather simple choice...  But it does not always feel like the most simple of choices.  So I'm going to do my best to get at it and get my house in order, do some shopping, get the boys to their sports, have dinner ready (if he comes home) and just be all around happier today.  Why? Because I really can choose... Just fake it until you make it some days!!

   So, wish me luck!  I'm going to try and fake it here and hope that I make it today!  Happy New Year everyone!  Wish I had a happier new year post... But it has been a bit of a rough start to this year.  But I'm determined not to get knocked down by this, I may be down, but I'm not out!